Of Amma’s 108 names, #48 is “Om devi-sadyas-tirodhana-tapa-vyathita-cetase namah” meaning “Adorations to Amma who became very sorrowful on the Divine Mother’s sudden disappearance”.

After spending many weeks with your North American children, Amma, you have left us and returned to your children at home who have been missing you desperately. While your departure at the end of each tour city was never sudden…how lovingly you prepared us at the end by showering us with petals and gazing upon each of us as we walked past the stage…you have still left thousands of your children despondent and longing for your presence. Sure, we have returned to our ‘real’ lives, going to work and school, taking care of family matters, paying bills and meeting with friends. Yet all the while we know deep down inside that something is wrong, something very important is missing.

What is missing is the opportunity to be in the presence of a living Goddess. To be in the hall with you, watch your beaming smile and your big-eyed amazed look when someone did something naughty or amusing. We are missing the opportunity to hear you call out ‘Krsna Krsna Krsna” or “ma ma ma MA MAA MAAA!!!”. We are missing your playful leelas and even the not so fun ones that you sent our way to remind us of who was really in charge. Like the North Star, our thoughts were always pointed towards your altar in the hall no matter where on the premises we were. We knew that whether we went for darshan that day or not, you were carrying us, giving us the strength and energy to do seva and keep going with only a few hours of sleep. And then, before we knew it, in a final petal-drenched Amma Amma Taye, it was all over. The festive atmosphere ended when you walked out of the hall. No more Swamis or bramhacharins singing bhajans, no more tour-staff sisters and brothers preparing delicious meals with love and devotion, no Amma shop to scout for the lastest great picture of you, no taking a break from seva to sit and watch you for a few minutes and come away fully refreshed.

I can tell myself that you live in my heart. I can tell myself you are only but a mantra japa away. I can watch every video of you I can find or read every word anyone has written about you. But in the end my heart knows better. It has tasted the bliss of being in your arms. It has gotten a glimpse of how life can be in the presence of Creator of the Universe. It knows that it will only be happy again when I am at your feet gazing at your enchanting smile. The ache in the hearts of the Gopis as they said good bye to their Beloved Krishna…yes, my heart now knows this ache. The tears that flowed down their cheeks…my eyes have cried them. Beloved Amma, how does one console such an aching heart? Dearest Amma, how does one deal with the sorrow of your disappearance? Kotha Tumi Jonani?

– Vinodini