14 Jul 2009 —
Question
Q128: Love then divorce?
Question 128:
“Why do people fall in love, marry, then can’t stand each other and often want to divorce?”
Please make your answer clear and brief (maximum 5 or 6 lines).
Question 128:
“Why do people fall in love, marry, then can’t stand each other and often want to divorce?”
Please make your answer clear and brief (maximum 5 or 6 lines).
“Was it love in the first place?”
Maybe because the dramas involved in ‘fighting’ and ‘wanting to divorce’ are more “interesting”, then living a simple routine uneventful life…
Exactly like the earlier dramas of ‘falling in love’ and ‘getting married’…
And in both cases we get excited being ‘soooo happy’, first for ‘being in love’, then for ‘finally divorcing’…
Because their love is polluted by attachment and selfish desire. Such desires change all the time, they have no constancy. True love is to wish that the other person is happen. When you have such pure love you learn to accept their faults.
This topic is related to the previous one. When 2 people 1st meet and feel sort of a chemistry, it is just that their souls “recognize” each other from a past life where they must have been close, but unfortunately they mistake it for Love, after which they get engaged and married, then after few unhappy conjugal years they discover that what they thought was “love” was something else!
So, i think it is the unsettled past karma that connects people together, so they commit themselves in a marriage that usually ends in failure, UNLESS THEY ARE TOTALLY “AWARE” OF IT, and with WISDOM and KNOWLEDGE the karma can be peacefully solved and a normal and steady life can resume afterward.
In my case, I was asked to choose between my spouse and Amma. No contest-we divorced.
Loves means giving. Clash of EGO and loss of PURE LOVE ends it all…
First we only look at the good qualities. We will be blind to the bad qualities. After marriage we expect maximum from the other, but most of the time won’t get it. Then we will explore in details all the negativies in the other, and we forget Amma’s words “Give and take”. We only concentrate the negativities. Ideally we should know the negativies in the other, and treat them as our own.
Love based on sensual attraction is the cause of divorce.
It is not true love. Couples today love themselves more than the other partner. so when they find, their happiness is getting diminished or their partner is causing them sorrow, love flies out of the window and they divorce the other. Egos cannot love. Only The divine can Love selflessly, only god can love truly, not ego which itself is a dream in god’s scheme.
Samskar or basic value education needs to start in early childhood. Good home environment and spiritual guidance are needed to develop into a responsible adult. When that is lacking, then lust and temptation leads to people getting emotionally involved/married. Arranged marriages w/o mutual consents, and domination rather than joint understanding leads to divorce, and some other unfulfilled desires (money and sex, feeling of insecurity, and lack of attention, interference from relatives, or biological or emotional factors can also lead to divorce. Some times marriage also serve many purposed: a sense of belongness, company, fulfillment of desires, joint income or need to get permanent visa or get away from current mess in life.
Absence of life based on spiritual principles and values. Let us see what Amma says “Marriage and married life, in fact, are another way to attain God-realization, although many are not aware of it. For the attainment of this goal, both the husband and the wife need a certain amount of understanding about leading a married life coupled with spirituality”
Karma has exhausted and it is time to move on.
If there was real love, there would have been no divorce. Nowadays everyone is quick to fall in love, as well as out of love. There is nothing sacred anymore. Relationships are crumbling at the speed of lightening. People are becoming more and more intolerant, everyone is on an individual ego trip, which leads to clashes, hence the divorces.
Because the love was conditional.
I think Divorce happens to fulfill unlearnt lessons such as learning to say no, learning to grow yourself (mind,body and spirit). The problems will come up again with that person or another (this life or another), so it is good to learn these patterns can be healed through emotional freedom techniques (google it), kind service (to accumulate good karma and healing your childhood issues (again emotional freedom techiques can help)
As Amma always says “love is essential for life” there shouldn’t be a problem with the marriage, if it is real love. If Amma can love the entire World, irrespective or whether it is a living or non-living thing, why can’t we love atleast another human person in our life? Our life is all about Karma and it can be dealt with only real love which includes patience, understanding, perseverance, compassion and surrender. Oh Amma, You only can give us all these…please give your children the strength to develop these, so that they do not separate but unite…
there is always a “limitation” for human love. it cant go beyond a certain level. so when it cross that line. we dont know what to do with it. or with the person that we “love”. in love we are actually loving ourselves. and once we forget that we cant even love ourselves beyond certain limit we tend to put all the “blames” on our partner. then you know.. it’s like a time bomb and when time comes.. Bhoom.. !!
Love unconditionally… is the answer but it’s very difficult… In India you can find answers.. there are millions of families which are built up on love and because of that they last…
Maa
Me and my husband are facing infertility problems. We are facing this because I have ovulation problems.We are seeing an infertility specialist.The stress is very consuming and this hurts a lot.
Mentally and physically it is very trying.
Please help us a situation.
It’s because after they “fall” in love, they often have to ‘get up’ to the reality. After reality ‘bites’, things turn ‘rabid’ and often ‘insane’. Then divorce happens. They were meant to travel together only that far.
Due to stress at job and the need to achieve more and more an imbalance in the Shiva Shakti harmony has been created at every level. This imbalance causes marriages to break. As the family has diminished as the source for learning how to live, the church has sometimes taken over by giving pre-marital retreats and counselling. If the temples would take up such issues too, it would help.
@ ammasnimmy : absolute truth..
@ aruna_amma : I liked it a lot.. makes sense 🙂
The married life (Ghruhastashram) is the subtractrum of all the three other Ashrams (Bhramachraya, vanprastha, and Sannyasa). But it should be based on proper values. The holy couples of the Puranas should be used as Role model. As far as my little knowledge is concerned, i understand that marriage is not a license to enjoy and request wordly pleasures. Marriage is based on great and high values and virtues. Expectations and attachment create the problems. Don’t try to fall in Love, but try to Rise in love towards our most beloved Amma. Once a mistake of “falling” in love occures, it won’t never rectify by divorcing. Divorce is like an escape…
Roopa, pray to Amma if you can’t meet her. If you get her grace/hearing the whole process will become so much more bearable. the whole process can be very demeaning and stressful only adding to the infertility and marital problems. the best answer will come from a spiritual angle – since it involves life.
Roopa, I have been through the same process. After seven years, I conceived. By Amma’s grace, I took it all as my karma. The innumerable tests, injections, advice and visits to many doctors are very tiring, but i saw it all as exhaustion of my karma. finally I conceived only after I got a mantram from The Divine Doctor, our beloved Amma. Things may work out differently for you, but Amma is indeed taking care of you. So take it all as karma and surely Amma is with you, and will make everything set right soon.
Roopa, I feel you should just pray and surrender to Amma. I am telling you from personal experience, pray sincerly and see how Amma will provide you with a solution. For Amma, no problem is too big or, too small. Amma is just a heartfelt prayer away. If you haven’t met her, try to meet her, you will feel relieved and uplifted.
namah shivay !! roopa , one of the devotee in Boston , also faced the same problem , but with Amma’s Universal Grace all is fine , and the devotee has twin child now , we cannot predict the way Amma will respond to our prayers, but for sure all will always be only for our good .
I have seen so many of my friends get married after only a few months together. They are all in a rush. They become lovers within days or weeks, becoming intimate before they know each other at all. They believe their intimacy is love. For a few it might be.
From what I’ve seen (I’m Western, in case that matters), rapid intimacy obscures real feelings and emotions. People marry quickly, then once the excitement of flirting and newness wares off, they find themselves married or involved with the wrong person. Even a person they don’t really know. In the best cases both parties realize it and part amicably. In the worst, that’s when the arguments, depression, drinking, weight gain, lying, etc. can begin.
When my friends “fall in love” I always try to urge them to go slowly, draw out the beginning. I remind them that getting to know someone, dating, flirting, is a sweet time that should be enjoyed. And that there is no reason to rush into marriage.
Actually we are passing through three states.(Avasthatryam)ie awaken dream and deep sleep.In the state of awaken jeeva fall in love because of the ignorance.And in the dream state get married. still the ignorance is there but it is in a dream form or seed form.And in the deep sleep the happinees is experiencing,but without the real knowledge.They never know that this temparary happiness is the projuctions or sprouts of same ignorance.And when the jeeva is able to attain the 4th state ie Thuriyam, then only open the eyes and try for a seperation or divorce of this ignorance.
To Roopa:
We also faced this problem for nearly a year. Myself and my wife both asked Amma to bless us with a child and by Amma’s grace my wife is now carrying twins. You can also chant Amma’s mantra and Lalitha Sahasranama as much as possible. For your satisfaction you can also consume the ghee as prasad which is mesmerised by chanting Lalitha Sahasranama (refer benefits of chanting Lalitha sahasranama). Above all you will get a solution by taking this issue to the divine doctor Ammachi.
My thoughts on the topic:
1. One cannot accept the other the way she/he is. Lack of love because they are too rational and trying to analyze each other out!!
2. Society contributes to the rationalization instead of focusing on values depending on where they are geographically located
3. A person who has not gone through some suffering (lack of basic needs) in their life finds it hard to tolerate anything that is not comfortable to him/her
4. If all of the above is not true, then it is two souls who have two different karmic path. So, it doesn’t match at all.
i believe, Love and Separation is based on PoorvaJanmaSamskara.
When people have done justice to their role of partners in marriage, they part ways… to yet begin another role. It’s all Her plot!!
People fall in Love looking at the outer appearance & behavior of a person. They do not give importance to the inner beauty. Many a time they fall in love just to enjoy the physical courtship and later they also get married. However their expectations from the other person in terms of good behavior towards themselves and his/her family is expected only after the marriage, till then people become blind to the inner nature. Once they settle all hell loose when the true nature of their partner gets worse. The partner may demand material comforts which he/she may not be able to provide.This effects the couple emotionally and then they Divorce.
I believe the difference between love and infatuation is that infatuation can be had with anyone and love is what you have when you make a decision based on all attributes of the person you are to marry. Love can grow out of infatuation and even hate though, I believe. Sometimes odd couples work well together.
Divorce is usually a result of people rushing into marriage from infatuation and finding out their mate was less than they expected, because they did not get to know them well enough. Or someone projecting their own fantasies on their mate and ignoring their down sides.
It’s just not enough to love, it’s even important to understand each other, adjust with each other’s likes and dislikes. Expecting the other to change for you is selfishness, not love. If you learn to give up your likes for their’s, even they would realize the importance of you in their life.
The grass is always greener on the other side. But at close range all the worms and dirt in the same grass becomes magnified and what looked beautiful from far will seem sickening. That is why many times what starts as “deep” love often ends in disgust followed by divorce.
But Amma’s presence makes us aware of our own shortcomings. Amma’s purity makes us look inward to get rid of our negativities. Amma makes us realise that life is nothing but a process of self purification.
Generally, “love” is mostly “self love”. “i love you (because you make me feel good)!!”
So when 2 people in love with themselves get together what are the chances of making the marriage work??? 🙂
Blessed are those who experience Amma’s Love before they get married because Amma’s Selfless Love opens our hearts and makes us more accepting of others. Amma’s selflessness makes us want to give. Anyone who has experienced Amma’s Pure Love will be a giving partner because he/she has seen a Living Example of the Bliss and Glory in Selflessness.
Blessed are also those who experience Amma’s Love just before jumping into divorce because Amma’s Love distracts one from anything negative.
This happens because after the initial romance dies down, both partners are not ready to submerge their egos for the relationship. Like Amma says, today the husband and wife each hunger for love but their love is like honey trapped in a rock!
That’s because the ‘Love’ was selfish which hid their incompatiblity 🙂
may be their Love was merely an adjustment than acceptance.. Love should be unconditional and Love is God… It is divine and everflowing… Moreover LOVE is GOD…If it was this love, it would never end up in divorce 🙂
The ego and an unwilligness to help eachother grow spiritually and emotionally. Lack of compassion. To help Love grow I must work on constant mindfulness and honoring of my partner. Without God or a Guru, one can get lost in the maze of attachments like lust and materialism. When a marriage is based on romance/lust or material things (cars, houses, things) then naturally divorce occurs as part of maya.
If we love everyone equally there is no attachment or detachment,marriage & divorce are rules of society & not of God.
Love is pearls of tears cried out for god..We are both innocent and ignorant. So people who had to go through this terrible fate.Please don’t worry… Please cry for god at least 5min..then you’ll realize what you want and will stop hurting yourself and others..
I found Antonio’s comment truly wonderfully wise,which I totally agree with 100%.
Love never quits. Mutual love would endure, anything else was never love, period. Marriage is sacred and perhaps most people don’t fully realize this fact, hence act accordingly, including getting divorced.
If Marriages are made in Heaven – then surely they are priceless. 🙂
Simply it’s all to do with being ignorant about what love and marriage really mean. Let me take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed life, single or married.
Love is term used by people in wrong context.As Amma says “Love means giving”But common people define love as geeting back what we give to others.So initial love between two individual is nothing but expections on each other and when honeymoon period gets over love vanishes as partner is not behaving as per the expection.Love turns into hate and ultimately divorce and pain.If people contemplate on Amma’s defination of love many people will realize waht they call as love is not love but just a business.
Am also the victim of this Mayaa (Illusion). I do not make friends neither get close to anyone unless I know them well and their behaviour. My friend was only AMMA and no one else.
Praying to Amma to make me come out of a hard experience and situation I went through recently.
Simple: if you are not enlightened, then you don’t have perfect equanimity. You are still blown around by the mind, and therefore if you spend long enough with someone you are bound to have conflicts. Your mind is not free from conflict so it cannot help but eventually express itself in some form or other.