Yes, going back, to the more earthly set up of the beautiful Amritapuri ashram. There were only the huts in which we stayed, with Amma’s Darshan hut around to the west side of it. It was a full moon night; time was well past 11pm, maybe nearing midnight. There was a power failure, and unlike nowadays, there weren’t any generators to keep the lights and fans on. Well, there were no fans in our huts those days. They weren’t required, as we never felt any need for that – neither for the heat nor for the mosquitoes. Both these weren’t a problem at all those days!

I was sitting outside my hut, in the veranda, wanting to meditate. As the power went off, the whole area was filled with the beautiful moonlight. In the backdrop; a small light in Amma’s room was also seen. I saw a couple of my brothers coming out to the open space behind the Darshan hut, with their meditation mats(Aasanas) in their hands, on their way to sit out in the open to meditate. I also felt it might be a good idea to sit in the open. I spread my Aasana near the “Rudraksha” tree that was standing close to Sree Swami’s hut. As I was trying to go within, with my eyes closed, I felt some swift, gentle movement around. Opening my eyes, I found the silhouette of Amma’s short form coming down the stairs of Her room. Her hair was tied up on the top of Her head (as in Shiva Bhava – the way She does while performing the Brahmastanam idol installation ceremony). She came directly towards me, with a face that was wearing a look of magnanimity, in a blissfully withdrawn appearance. I felt a mixed feeling welling up within. There was joy of course, but there was a bit of fright as well. (I find it difficult to express effectively about that feeling. But I am sure that those who have experienced this feeling will only be able to understand it completely). She looked at me piercingly. That look was so penetrating and powerful that I felt like I was being melted. I was anticipating a scolding or even a beating or a pinch on my ears or even more – for not going to sleep in time so that I can get up for the morning archana at 4.30am. But nothing followed! She slowly lifted Her face upwards toward the beautiful sky. Then She gently asked me to get a chair. I jumped over to Sree Swami’s room and brought the cane chair out, and placed it facing west. Amma sat there and I was able to secure the closest spot to Her left. Just as bees get near a blooming flower, slowly I saw around me some 8 to 10 of my brothers creep near the chair, securing their own closest available spot.

Amma closed Her eyes, leaning back on the chair, sitting motionless for about 45 minutes or so. With the sound of the ocean in the background, with the soft, drifting touch of the breeze, the depth of stillness around was so catching and contagious. Those were moments of bliss, stillness, love – a feeling of fulfillment….! She opened her eyes and sat looking at the sky for some more time. Slowly She started singing in a gentle, nostalgic tone, “Kodanukodi varshangalay sathyame, thedunnu ninne manushyan ……” We joined in chorus with soft, murmuring tones.

Amma took the towel out of my outstretched arms, rubbed her face and started looking at the face of each one, now with a more earthly, motherly expression! She asked – “Didn’t you sleep? “ Then slowly She started talking about her childhood days. “You know, I used to go crazy on such moonlit nights. I would stealthily go out of the house to the sea shore and sit there in meditation. I used to sing aloud with the raging sound of the waves in the background. The intense longing …….” She went on narrating about this for quite some time. She was trying to tell us about what state of mind we all should have, to go steadfast in this path, I felt. The intense yearning for God, to become one with God, She was talking about all that.

How can I yearn so intensely to become one with Amma? I was thinking, Why is it that the intensity doesn’t last long within me raging like a storm, throughout? Yearn to become one with Amma, how could I do that? May be, I can’t yearn so. Rather, I want to yearn to become Her dearest son, always being in a position to spend a lot of time sitting just like this next to Her, in such a blissful state of mind, where my whole world is nothing but Amma, the beauty of Her Divine face, the Love that I feel filled within. Contentment to the core! What else would I need to yearn for?!

Amma suddenly looked at me direct in my eyes, put Her hands on my head, tapped and stroked over my shaven hairs for some time…. Was it Her approval for my feelings that I had just now?

Maybe yes, I consoled myself….

She spent some more time with us. I don’t clearly remember what else She spoke about. But it was bliss throughout, all along, and I was basking in it, joyfully.

A cool breeze came again, caressing all of us. That caress felt to be the caress of the veil of Maya spun around Her magic web! Suddenly She raised Her voice. “Go to sleep, all of you now. And make sure that you are there for the morning Archana! Otherwise, you will see my Kali face…”

Is She simply my Mother or Guru, or is She the real Kali? I couldn’t make out for sure. Back in my hut, I didn’t bother to brood over it much. But during next morning’s Archana, Lalitambika’s Graceful face was more effulgent in my heart…! And as I write this now, it does come back to me in vivid splendor again….! Let me take out my Aasana again…..

– Sudeep