Sheltered and Secured

It is the time of Amma’s birthday again, and I often have the urge at this time to tell my story.
Because this is the time of year when I first heard of Amma, nine years ago.

And yet I never have told it, probably because I didn’t think the story worth telling.
But that isn’t true. Every story telling of the personal transformation that just happens when Amma seriously enters your life is a miracle and should be heard….

Instead, today I want to share with you a series of recent events, an excerpt from my ordinary day-to-day life.

I work as an English tutor, a private teacher, and somehow I always seem to struggle to make ends meet. I have raised three children as a single mother and money was always an issue.  I constantly have to look for jobs and when I get a contract I take it gladly.
At the moment I’m working on a project dealing with integration of migrants in Germany and this involves weekend seminars I have to attend. I already had committed myself when I got Amma’s tour dates for Europe this autumn. As you might have guessed – the two weekends when She is near, in October and November, were already booked. I couldn’t go.
So I tried to be balanced about it and to tell myself that being close to Amma on the inside is far more important anyhow. Oh, but try to convince my aching heart of this! It was in mourning!

And from then on things kept getting worse, meaning work was harder, I felt more exhausted, the money kept disappearing for all sorts of huge bills and I really struggled to keep my equilibrium. The final straw was the yearly inspection of my car which I’m really dependent on for my work. The car failed to pass and a very large sum was mentioned.
It was a huge shock and the worst thing was that I couldn’t react, I couldn’t do anything at that moment because I was in the middle of teaching and I couldn’t take a break – I had to focus on my students. That was hard!! I felt quite desperate. It was my daughter, who is also a disciple of Amma’s that said to me: ‘Why don’t you just get a new car, they have special offers at the moment, why don’t you ask?!’

So I did and I got a good deal which I could manage financially. The new car would be registered on the 27th of September – and would get the licence plate MA-279. I was so happy, it seemed like a birthday present from my Mother. But I had to keep driving my old car till the 28th, then the deal would be finalised.

On Amma’s birthday, a Thursday, I was scheduled to work practically the whole day. So I had already performed a small puja at midnight. While I was driving around, going from one place of work to the next, trying not to feel sorry for not being able to celebrate Her birthday, my car suddenly broke down. Now, it has never done this before and I’ve had it for 9 years. It has always been a trustworthy companion – but on this last day we’d have together it failed me! What’s more – on such a special day where I didn’t want to have to deal with trouble, but rather float in exalted spheres, being close to my Mother! I was so upset – but in a strange way detached, as well. I managed to get the car home, but was forced to cancel all further appointments.

And at home, there was Sarah, my daughter – she had lit candles and put flowers in front of all of Amma’s pictures and altars in the house. The scent of incense was welcoming me at the door and she was just beginning to perform pada puja for Amma. And I could stay and take part. Sarah smiled at me and said ‘it probably was meant to be, so that you could be here.’

Today, on the 28th, just about to pick up the new car and to let go of the old one which has ferried me to all of Amma’s programs in nine years and has been a place to sleep in when I couldn’t afford accommodation during the programs, I was reflecting on the last few days.
And it came to me that the blessing, the grace is not so much the new car, or the money and the good job that I long for to make life easier, but the moment when I’m sitting there, deeply grateful for the cup of coffee I’m drinking and being able to realise how much easier it has become to accept the so called throw backs, the seeming defeats. I can see how a string of misfortunes is a challenge and I can see myself rising to it, staying almost detached and finding joy in the knowledge that Amma has given me that accepting mind and heart.
And that I feel sheltered and deeply secure.

Barbara,  Germany