Sad or should not be sad?
Jun 16, 2010, Los Angeles
Yesterday was the first day of programs in LA. There was no evening program. Darshan started at 11am and went until 9:30pm
Around 8:30 in the evening, i was feeling weak and tired. I had been fighting the flu for a few days and was still recovering from Devi Bhava in San Ramon and the 5 hour drive to LA. I desperately needed to go to bed. I expected that darshan would last for another hour – during which time Archana would most likely be chanted as is done at each program. There was a small thought in my mind that I also might miss something unexpected – one never knows what can happen at the end of darshan, but I accepted that I would miss this in exchange for a well needed rest. I simply could not stay in the hall any longer.
About an hour later, two of my roommates bounded into the room waking me up. One looked a me and asked if I had seen what happened at the end. When I told him that I had been resting, he immediately said, ‘Bummer, it was awesome. You’re going be so sad……’ The other one interrupted him and said – ‘No… don’t tease him’… I thought at first he was just joking with me.
Turned out Amma sang a bhajan at the end. But before that, Swamiji did Arati to Amma with a lit lamp while she was giving darshan. Amma was showering flower petals on him the whole time. It must have been beautiful.
After that, the harmonium was brought to Amma’s side, and the crowd gathered in closer. Amma sang the new bhajan ‘Devi Devi Devi’ raising the hall to another level of energy.
So was I sad when I heard these words? Surprisingly not so much. Part of me was too tired and weak to muster up any sadness and longing. I had made the decision to go to bed early knowing there was the possibility that I might miss something special. But something deeper inside me was completely ok. I think mostly because I had seen Amma sing like this before. In a sense, Amma had already given me gemstones that I could reflect back on and feel the same joy and happiness that I would have had I been in the hall last night.
Yet despite or in spite of the gemstones, shouldn’t I have been sad? It’s tough – on one hand Amma says that crying and longing for Her is good. Then again, Amma also says that we shouldn’t be so attached to Her form – that the truth lies within. It makes for a fine argument.
I’m sure that if Amma had done something which I hadn’t witnessed previously, I would truly have been sad. Amma gives each of us just what we need, in just the right amounts, at just the right moments.
On the second night, Amma sang:
- Dayakaro Tum
- Giridhar He
- Muralikayirolu
- Hari Om Siva
- Mother Nature
- Ennile Enne Tirinnu
- Tathi Tathi
- Pahi Pahi Devi
- Ma Jai Jagadambe Ma
-Sri Pati
That was so nice..Swamiji was doing the arti amidst darshan and Amma was showering the petals..and that too for the whole time..Yesterday I had a dream of Amma in which she was walking alone to her room.Throughout the dream I was wondering why nobodys walking with her,is swamiji’s health good.I just hope everything is fine everywhere..
You should not be sad at all. We cant be physically with Amma every time. But she is always with us. The most important thing is to remember her in your heart. And as you said that she will give you whatever is needed.
This happened to me a lot of times !
So can perfectly understand how one will feel missing some gems. Nowadays I force myself to be where the program is going on and may slip into sleep in the chair itself all the while Amma can be seen if I just open my eyes (or closed?!).
This happened because one time a thought just flashed in my mind. We are very fortunate to have Amma in flesh and blood with us and these gems cannot be missed at all. We have to be there to see all happenings whenever possible because these memories will be a greater asset for us in one way or other. One will never know !
🙂
When being childish, every feeling will come in mind.
How can i consloe you? That is the same position of me also.How can a Chanda(Drum)console a Madhalam(Another instrument).Both are getting enough of beating.
thank you for posting. it is so wonderful to hear about what is happening around amma. after leaving Her physical form after being with Her for 4 days in Seattle and 4 days in San Ramon, it is painful to be back to reality, everything seems mundane after the Supreme Bliss of Amma!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
For once I love
Without words
Amma all-pervading
The who is fully absent
Without a place to stand
Experiencing no other
Ever
really feeling very sad,coz our family dog died in an accident,may AMMA let his soul rest in peace..and also pray that she gives us strength to overcome such tragedies and sadness coming out of attachment..being a human still ? remains- sad or should not be sad?
Thanks for sharing! LA retreat was my first retreat with amma. Being around amma’s presence was so joyful and meditative that I only slept 9 hours in the 4 days. I didn’t even feel tired but was feeling so energized. After Amma left, I wanted to follow amma to New Mexico but practically, it is not a good thing with my job and everything. I can totally relate to how you felt.
>>Amma also says that we shouldn’t be so attached to Her form – that the truth lies within.
I think it is very essential for me to take this to my heart and start living what amma stands for. It is very easy to get attached to ammas presence when being in her presence is like riding on her wings to higher and higher levels of consciousness without any effort.
You certainly made me very happy and feel Amma very strongly with your innocent narration of what you missed.. does not seem like you were not there at all. i guess when it was related you lived their experience in your heart a thousand times over until AMMA’s presence became a reality and then there cant be sadness or doubts ..thank you for sharing it with us ..i feel Amma’s love all around me so much right now and it is thanks to all of you who take the time to share it Her children miles away from Her physically. Jai Ma!
Glad you were able to see her singing Kali ma at ABQ !. Thanks for the post !.
.. i think, that when amma is in our heart, it’s impossible to be sad, whatever happens.
life is bound to be changing, better to be always happy grateful here and now
happy and grateful 🙂