“Why don’t you smile?”, Amma again and again tells us to be happy irrespective of circumstances, that ‘Ananda’ is our true nature, and so on.
“Smile…keep smiling…” an ashramite friend told me in Amritapuri few days ago. She reminded me of the last program day in Pune last March. At the end of the program, while singing new Kannada bhajan ‘devi devi devi..’, Amma looked deep into my eyes so lovingly and through gestures She communicated ” Why have sorrow? I am with you!”. All knowing Amma! My friend continued “Think that Amma is in front of you, looking at you with Love and smiling beautifully. Amma is with you, She is with us all”. I admitted in sorrow “But i am not able to see Amma within me or outside. I don’t even feel Her presence. She has to help me in this!”At lunch time i another long-term ashramite. He inquired about my spiritual practices and asked me whether i could feel Amma’s presence. With pain and ashame, I honestly replied “No”.
That night, I went for Amma’s darshan. I was in Her arms for a long time as She was talking to someone. I could feel the warmth and heavenly fragrance coming out of Her as if She was dipped in a perfume furnace! After a while She whispered “Muddu magale..” (darling daughter) repeatedly. That is all. I touched Her sacred feet and came out. Amma did not speak; no special smile or no intent gaze on outword. But it was the most beautiful and unique darshan experience that I started feeling grow in me slowly. I was covered by that sweet smell for many hours. I slept peacefully with the feeling that my Amma was holding me tightly in Her arms. Next day morning i woke up at 4.15am for archana. And, yes, Amma’s fragrance was still around me!! I asked my friends whether they had applied any perfume and started sniffed the room here and there!
We left Amritapuri at around 9am. On our way back to Mysore, we visited the AIMS hospital in Cochin, Kalady, the birth place of Sri Shankaracharya, and the Sri Krishna temple at Guruvayoor. Sometimes i was experiencing a kind of heat in my heart, some other times on my crown or in my ears or hands….and oh! along with that was the fragrance of Amma. Now and then i was covered by that heavenly perfume which i could smell, but not my friends. I had no other option but to immerse blissfully in the presence of Amma.
We reached Mysore early the next morning, and the fragrance was still there as I chanted Amma’s 108 names.
A spiritual friend explained to me: “The fragrance was coming out of the Amma who is within you, not from outside. Amma has awakened your inner Amma temporarily and that is why you felt Her presence. Now it is upto you to awake the inner Amma, in other words yourself, by intense spiritual practices and feel Her divine presence permanently”
Now this child of Amma is craving, searching and longing for AMMA. i know that Amma is within me and everywhere else. I know that Amma knows my every thought, feeling and action. Yet i commit mistakes after mistakes – some are small and some are BIG! Even then She, the ocean of love and mercy, shows incomparable love,concern and compassion; showers so much of Grace. In return, what shall i offer, other than myself??
I pray “Amma…forgive me, accept me and merge me in You…Amma..Amma….”